The vulnerable place of humility

God has been taking me on such an amazing journey of humility and surrender - basically I believe taking me to a deeper level of dependence by revealing to me even more or again because I have forgotten that I really am nothing without him. This season has lead to me to some questions:

Why are we still insecure? Why do we seek praise from others? Why do we question our worth in God? Because We have forgotten or have not fully grasped what it means to find complete and whole value and purpose in the king Jesus and who He is rather than find identity in what We do.

I don't know if it is because my role has been changing personally with my children growing up and also in the life of the church as we release leaders who now do what brought me purpose and value. But God has been at work in my heart.

It is incredibly hard to completely surrender to Jesus - to hold onto nothing that can bring us security or value, purpose or identity- but to completely surrender and say "I honestly am nothing without him. I am nothing." How humiliating and vulnerable a place that is - it leaves us feeling exposed and weak. It leaves us desperate and dependent on Our father MORE THAN EVER.

Pride is a bigger issue than we give credit. It prevents us from fully surrendering to our king so that He can do what He wants in us - making us to be His. It prevents us from being completely dependent on our Father - as scripture encourages us to. If we are holding onto something of ourselves for identity we will never be fully His. In order for us to accomplish what He has for us all - we need to humble ourselves a fresh and a new - realizing we really are pathetic without Him - there is nothing in us NOTHING of value in our flesh - the value of who we are and what we bring is all rooted in Jesus!!

I want to let go of all I have held onto to bring purpose and identity to my life because of insecurity in myself. I want to release it and surrender. I am His - everything good about me is because of Him and only Him. Everything good about me is to ultimately bring Him glory not me!! I am a sinner - in desperate need of a savior - not just once but every day.

His Kingdom Surpasses

Over the weeks I have been praying into this time that Steve is away in SA, trusting that God would use this time to do something in our hearts, to draw us closer to Him..whatever He chooses to do.

Over the last few days, I have become more convinced that we all need a revelation of our King and wonderful Kingdom that we are apart of - this everlasting Kingdom.

As a married woman in ministry, it is so easy to slip behind your man, to minister but off of the momentum of his vision. In the last three days, God has been showing me that each of us is called to carry a fresh revelation of the kingdom and how we are all to own it - for ourselves and not off of any one else's momentum.

His kingdom is the only thing that brings the vision and purpose we all need. Even His glorious presence fades, when the Holy Spirit comes - it is for one purpose - to direct our eyes to the King and as much as we would like to live in that place of continually feeling Him in and over us - the bible says we need to continually be filled - because it fades...

His cross, as incredible as it was - ..it was! It is no longer - The consequence of the the cross is that Jesus is alive !! - but the act of the cross is over!! The only thing that does not fade - that will be everlasting is our King and His purposes for us. Our friends, marriage partners, children and occupations are all going to pass - at the end of the day - the only thing that we have certainty will not pass is this King and His Kingdom we are called to live for.

Whose momentum are you drawing from? I know the temptation for me is to draw from Steve's revelation, or the momentum of CITC . I want to a deeper revelation of my amazing King and His kingdom and His purposes for me - He is the only one that causes me to lift my head.

These earthly treasures and moments as beautiful as they are - will all pass. My King wont!

Walking out this kingdom Part 2

A quick follow up - God does not owe us anything, but wants to Bless us. But He knows what to bless us with!! Sometimes it is not what we want and sometimes it is not in our timing.

The point is that He wants to bless because He is a good God. We need to make sure that our hearts are not at a place where we think we deserve it!!

Walking out this Kingdom

What does it mean to me, a wife, a mother and pastor's wife to really walk out this Kingdom that God has called us to? What does it mean to you? What is required of us - all in different seasons, all dealing with different things?

For me, part of walking out this Kingdom, is sacrifice. Living life in laying it down.

What is the one thing you want more than anything? Are you prepared to be ok if God never provides it? Can you say to the Father, "I am yours my God, created for your purposes and your will. I give you every dream and desire and if they do not come to pass, I will still sing your praises, because of who you are.

"I believe that we can only do this if :

1) We have a real revelation of the cross and all that Jesus did for us, what it truly means to live redeemed because of the selfless actions of an innocent man for our benefit.

2) That we have intimate knowledge of a good Father who has good things for us.

Someone asked me the other day what it means to lay something down but not let go of the hope. Do we place our hope in the "thing" or do we place our hope in our Good Father. That is where our hope should be.

I truly believe that a lot of us walk around subtly believing that God owes us something. I believe that we walk around with "rights".

Well, we don't have any rights and we are not owed anything by God! We are HIS CREATIONS created for HIS PURPOSES. Is this not true Kingdom living? A people totally surrendered to HIS PURPOSES regardless of the cost to us?

To walk the walk of Jesus we surely have to be a people who have totally lain down what we consider to be owed to us. Is that not what He did?

What does God owe you? What have we been carrying around - it may be a physical thing, it may be emotional but we all have something we sometimes put onto God like He owes it to us! Well, He doesn't!

My heart is that I can be selfless and totally surrendered, especially emotionally. In marriage - how many times have I thought to myself: "I deserve an apology! He is in the wrong and I am not." What I would do to be at the place where I can be selfless in that situation.

I want to be about my God's business, the Kingdom, laying down my rights and what "I Deserve" from this life. I deserve NOTHING from this life. I am thankful that Jesus found me, saved me from myself and abundantly blessed me with Life and Joy and Peace and forgiveness.

Have we overlooked these blessings because we are too hung up about what we do not have?

We are nothing without our God. Let us be thankful, for what we have, for who God is. Let us pursue intimacy and holiness. Let us learn what it means to be totally surrendered. Let us be Kingdom people.

Letting go...

It has been so long since I entered a blog - but I guess there is something in everyone that wants to dialogue the thoughts that are on my heart.

Recently, I have found myself in a familiar process. I believe that I will call it "letting go". It is amazing that as a christian, God's spirit prepares you in advance for things to come. He does it so gently but it is absolutely necessary.

Rebecca, my oldest, is turning 14 soon. She just found out that she has been accepted into the best high school in the city, a huge accomplishment. She is also 12 days away from leaving on a two week trip to France.

Something about these two major events sent this little mama into a spin. All of a sudden I began to feel helpless and overwhelmed at the prospect of my children growing up. Of course, in typical Debra style..suddenly I had visuals of all three children waving goodbye and heading off to college. In a blink of an eye, they were all grown and already out of the house! I found myself weeping at every moment I had to myself (not many but still...). Why was I feeling so vulnerable? I also began to see Becca in a different light. She was starting to leave in a sense - not doing anything wrong, but slowly starting to exercise those wings of independence. Poor kid - I became so ultra sensitive she would just look at me wrong and I would react!!

God began to show me what was going on and that it was good and right. I started to let go. I realized the inevitable and in a moment released my little girl just a little more. I have had to do it slowly over the years, to the nurse - straight after she was born (uh oh ...more tears...so pathetic), again when she wanted to stop nursing, when she took her first steps, when she stayed with a friend when Steve and I went on a ministry trip, when her sister arrived, when she went to kindergarten...the list goes on.

I am tender and a little raw, but delighted that I have this joy. She is a magnificent young woman who belongs to our Father. As a friend of mine recently reminded me, (without even knowing) they are just ours to look after for a while....

I will not let these years slip away for any of my children. They are precious - sounds cliched hey? but it is true - in a instant they are gone! Young mommies - be encouraged - be disciplined to enjoy moments with your little ones. I know it is impossible to enjoy them all!! But there are many many moments you can enjoy. I have a number of years still with Hannah - my little precious and Cade, my smooshy , Becs in just four short years you may choose to fly... but until then - I commit to enjoy you - hormones and all because you are precious and strong and beautiful - true to your name.

Thanks for listening to these ramblings of my heart :)

Sleepover fun - Becca's 10th Birthday

Becs had her best friend Davi and Hannah's best friend Hannah B. over for a sleepover to celebrate her birthday the day before we left for Michigan. She also had her ears pierced that day which was very exciting for all of us. Steve took her and we were all waiting with baited breath for her return. She looks beautiful of course, it really suits her.

These were taken on our vacation. More photos can be viewed on facebook. We had such an amazing time. When Steve and I were trying to plan our vacation doors kept closing. We originally tried to go to Florida but it was to expensive. We got quite frustrated toward the end because nothing seemed to be happening. About two weeks before we called a friend who had offered her parents place to us a while ago. It is in Michigan, right on a lake. We called and asked her if it was still possible and it was! We ended up going to 10 days and it was just what we needed. There were kayaks and lots of beach to play on. When we needed to get out the sun there was a huge flat screen TV and endless channels. We went to the botanical gardens and the mall and mini golf. It was great. My mom was able to join us for three of the days before she had to fly home which was very special. All in all we had a great break! Check out some more photos on facebook...if I can get the technology right.

Love Debs